Post by Clump on Nov 20, 2003 21:52:50 GMT -5
You can tell a lot about a person from the hobbies they choose, especially if it requires them to be tied to a bathtub full of hot dogs with a panel of judges and a proctologist with a tape measure watching. But enough about coin collecting. We’ve contacted renowned experts on geeks, as well as many actual geeks, to compile this list of the dorkiest things you can do with your time. Each activity will be ranked on both how badly it humiliates the participant and how negatively it affects his or her sex life. These are not rough estimates. These are scientific facts based on the research done by captive supergeniuses working in controlled conditions with test mice and test mice dressed like tiny wizards.
reply if your any of these geeks! I'm a number 9!! YAY!!
------------------------------------------------------------
10. Comic Books
Public Humiliation: 49.5%
Our studies show that comic book geeks are normally solitary, but engage in very noisy arguments when gathered in numbers. These are usually based on the most recent superhero movie, and how much it ####. This #### is always measured in direct relation to the number of continuity problems between it and an issue of The Incredible Hulk, which to be honest, had some problems of its own like the Abrams tank with the completely wrong size smoothbore turret and the Hulk’s hair just all of a sudden being parted the other way! Safety Tip: If your comic book geek isn’t loudly complaining about something, check carefully – you might have blacked out and killed it.
Damage to Sex Life: 68.7%
When you’re finished showing someone your chart of all the ways Magneto’s hat in X-Men 2 was incorrect, it’s going to be a long, uphill battle to then have sex with them. And to make matters worse, the faulty shape of the #### port in the movie’s version of Magneto’s hat will make having sex with it even harder.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Comic book geeks wear a uniform of a faded Green Lantern t-shirt and a confrontationally unkempt appearance.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. Role Playing Games
Public Humiliation: 63.4%
Dungeons and Dragons combines the nerdiness of a fantasy setting with the fruitiness of improvisational theatre, and as if that weren’t enough for them to deal with, the rest of us think these people are going to go crazy and kill us. It’s really hard for society to do more to tell you that if you play this game, you’re on your own.
Damage to Sex Life: 78.0%
We weren’t exactly sure on this figure, since a 78% means that there’s still a 22% chance of a woman walking by role players and one of them saying, “A minotaur? Here in the Dungeon of Kajmar!? Very well, I swing my axe of axing at th- why hello there, pretty lady. My name’s Twinkleberry, The Spritish Pegasus. Why, as a matter of fact I AM single.”
Distinguishing Characteristics: An RPGeek either wears a black heavy metal shirt or, in tragic attempts at stylishness, a button-up shirt with a wrap-around dragon and flames.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8. Scrapbooking
Public Humiliation: 86.2%
Most people tend to avoid scrapbookers in an effort to prevent their photo from being pasted between a floral border along with a word bubble shouting, “Are we having fun yet!” Scrapbookers have an insatiable hunger to date and catalogue precious moments, and many fear that these keepsakes are being collected to one day be used in an evil plan to flood the world with vomit.
Damage to Sex Life: N/A
People who make scrapbooks do not have sex organs like you and me. As required by the Code of the Scrapbookers, after the completion of their first book of cherished memories, surgeons replace their genitalia with paste dispensers.
Distinguishing Characteristics: You’ll know these people because they’re always leading a small parade of their offspring in karate, ballet, scout or soccer uniforms. And according to shocking facts learned from these people’s sweatshirts, their children THINK THEY’RE AN ATM!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7. Star Wars
Public Humiliation: 82.1%
Before the lame-#### new Star Wars movies, we might have let it go if we saw a Lando Calrissian or an Ewok waiting in line for a movie. Not anymore. Anyone disguised as a Jedi in this day and age had better have been helped into that costume by a caregiver assigned by the state to assist their special needs. Related Trivia Fact: Admiral Ackbar is the guy with the fish head from Return of the Jedi that screams things like, “Shorshenblorg borshchortle!”
Damage to Sex Life: 54.6%
Dressing like Darth Vader creates a number of sexual obstacles. First you have to find someone who doesn’t mind dating the dark lord of geeks, and from this point on the sentence is moot since you won’t, and then they have to safely be able to dig their way through your codpiece of cybernetic space enhancements. Impossible. Plus, the speech that Darth Vader gave to Natalie Portman in Episode II (about how she was so great because she wasn’t like sand) is going to hang over the heads of evil single Jedi for generations. On the other hand, the strict moral code of the good Jedi prevents them from touching naked women with anything other than a light saber. And that, of course, would kill them. On the third hand, I have this theory I’ve been meaning to test that jumping into a room naked and screaming like Chewbacca would be super erotic. Keep in mind, however, that my last theory, “Wouldn’t it be sweet if these were like, FLYING condoms?” went largely ignored by the sex community.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Overweight, casually strolling into the center of the room, and then when you least expect it, bursting into a blinding Jedi combat storm with a golf ball retriever.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6. Vampirism
Public Humiliation: 90.0%
When enjoying Tim Burton movies and the Cure aren’t enough to express your artistic depression, you turn to vampirism. This type of geek gathers with its kind to simulate vampiric society through a game of milling around and giving each other spooky threats in untraceable fake accents. Beginner’s Tip: The costumes and makeup required for this hobby are elaborate, so if you don’t have time every morning for a Dracula makeover, you can send the same message by just wearing a sign reading, “I hate my parents and my classmates beat me.” To make this slightly more vampiric you may want to add the word “Blah!” at the beginning and end of the sentence.
Damage to Sex Life: 14.9%
One danger of vampiric sex is that many singles within in these communities are actually undercover vampire hunters waiting to jam a stake into you while you’re struggling to untie your corset. Aside from that hazard, though, it’s all good news: The dark creatures breed some pretty sexy people jammed into some skimpy leathery outfits. If you don’t mind making out with someone who, like you, tastes like stage blood and cigarettes, you can lead an exciting sex life of the night.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Vampires are difficult to spot. Keep an eye out for the group of restless magician corpses with simulated human remains dripping from their mouths. One way I’ve found to make sure they’re real vampires is to scream, “Skeletor!” and see if they cheer in agreement.
[continues in next post...
reply if your any of these geeks! I'm a number 9!! YAY!!
------------------------------------------------------------
10. Comic Books
Public Humiliation: 49.5%
Our studies show that comic book geeks are normally solitary, but engage in very noisy arguments when gathered in numbers. These are usually based on the most recent superhero movie, and how much it ####. This #### is always measured in direct relation to the number of continuity problems between it and an issue of The Incredible Hulk, which to be honest, had some problems of its own like the Abrams tank with the completely wrong size smoothbore turret and the Hulk’s hair just all of a sudden being parted the other way! Safety Tip: If your comic book geek isn’t loudly complaining about something, check carefully – you might have blacked out and killed it.
Damage to Sex Life: 68.7%
When you’re finished showing someone your chart of all the ways Magneto’s hat in X-Men 2 was incorrect, it’s going to be a long, uphill battle to then have sex with them. And to make matters worse, the faulty shape of the #### port in the movie’s version of Magneto’s hat will make having sex with it even harder.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Comic book geeks wear a uniform of a faded Green Lantern t-shirt and a confrontationally unkempt appearance.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. Role Playing Games
Public Humiliation: 63.4%
Dungeons and Dragons combines the nerdiness of a fantasy setting with the fruitiness of improvisational theatre, and as if that weren’t enough for them to deal with, the rest of us think these people are going to go crazy and kill us. It’s really hard for society to do more to tell you that if you play this game, you’re on your own.
Damage to Sex Life: 78.0%
We weren’t exactly sure on this figure, since a 78% means that there’s still a 22% chance of a woman walking by role players and one of them saying, “A minotaur? Here in the Dungeon of Kajmar!? Very well, I swing my axe of axing at th- why hello there, pretty lady. My name’s Twinkleberry, The Spritish Pegasus. Why, as a matter of fact I AM single.”
Distinguishing Characteristics: An RPGeek either wears a black heavy metal shirt or, in tragic attempts at stylishness, a button-up shirt with a wrap-around dragon and flames.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8. Scrapbooking
Public Humiliation: 86.2%
Most people tend to avoid scrapbookers in an effort to prevent their photo from being pasted between a floral border along with a word bubble shouting, “Are we having fun yet!” Scrapbookers have an insatiable hunger to date and catalogue precious moments, and many fear that these keepsakes are being collected to one day be used in an evil plan to flood the world with vomit.
Damage to Sex Life: N/A
People who make scrapbooks do not have sex organs like you and me. As required by the Code of the Scrapbookers, after the completion of their first book of cherished memories, surgeons replace their genitalia with paste dispensers.
Distinguishing Characteristics: You’ll know these people because they’re always leading a small parade of their offspring in karate, ballet, scout or soccer uniforms. And according to shocking facts learned from these people’s sweatshirts, their children THINK THEY’RE AN ATM!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7. Star Wars
Public Humiliation: 82.1%
Before the lame-#### new Star Wars movies, we might have let it go if we saw a Lando Calrissian or an Ewok waiting in line for a movie. Not anymore. Anyone disguised as a Jedi in this day and age had better have been helped into that costume by a caregiver assigned by the state to assist their special needs. Related Trivia Fact: Admiral Ackbar is the guy with the fish head from Return of the Jedi that screams things like, “Shorshenblorg borshchortle!”
Damage to Sex Life: 54.6%
Dressing like Darth Vader creates a number of sexual obstacles. First you have to find someone who doesn’t mind dating the dark lord of geeks, and from this point on the sentence is moot since you won’t, and then they have to safely be able to dig their way through your codpiece of cybernetic space enhancements. Impossible. Plus, the speech that Darth Vader gave to Natalie Portman in Episode II (about how she was so great because she wasn’t like sand) is going to hang over the heads of evil single Jedi for generations. On the other hand, the strict moral code of the good Jedi prevents them from touching naked women with anything other than a light saber. And that, of course, would kill them. On the third hand, I have this theory I’ve been meaning to test that jumping into a room naked and screaming like Chewbacca would be super erotic. Keep in mind, however, that my last theory, “Wouldn’t it be sweet if these were like, FLYING condoms?” went largely ignored by the sex community.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Overweight, casually strolling into the center of the room, and then when you least expect it, bursting into a blinding Jedi combat storm with a golf ball retriever.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6. Vampirism
Public Humiliation: 90.0%
When enjoying Tim Burton movies and the Cure aren’t enough to express your artistic depression, you turn to vampirism. This type of geek gathers with its kind to simulate vampiric society through a game of milling around and giving each other spooky threats in untraceable fake accents. Beginner’s Tip: The costumes and makeup required for this hobby are elaborate, so if you don’t have time every morning for a Dracula makeover, you can send the same message by just wearing a sign reading, “I hate my parents and my classmates beat me.” To make this slightly more vampiric you may want to add the word “Blah!” at the beginning and end of the sentence.
Damage to Sex Life: 14.9%
One danger of vampiric sex is that many singles within in these communities are actually undercover vampire hunters waiting to jam a stake into you while you’re struggling to untie your corset. Aside from that hazard, though, it’s all good news: The dark creatures breed some pretty sexy people jammed into some skimpy leathery outfits. If you don’t mind making out with someone who, like you, tastes like stage blood and cigarettes, you can lead an exciting sex life of the night.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Vampires are difficult to spot. Keep an eye out for the group of restless magician corpses with simulated human remains dripping from their mouths. One way I’ve found to make sure they’re real vampires is to scream, “Skeletor!” and see if they cheer in agreement.
[continues in next post...
